Tomorrow

Tomorrow, Wednesday, we go to our pediatrician to receive clearance for surgery on Friday. I honestly am so overwhelmed with emotion at this time that it is difficult to put it into words. I feel so sick to my stomach continuously and my mind does not stop. The awful pit in my stomach that started when we first heard those dreadful words of “craniosynostosis” has returned.

I just look at my precious Cannon and think of what he will have to endure and I want to cry or maybe scream how unfair it is. Although I don’t understand any of this, because none of it makes sense I know that I am blessed. I am so blessed to have gotten to watch my little boy grow and develop into the happy, cheerful, loving little guy that he is. I look to the time where I do not have to be consumed by the stress and anticipation of the unknown and of what is to come with this craniosynostosis battle.

I am so scared of what the rest of the week holds for my precious family that I feel like I am in a constant state of doubt and worry.

I really am struggling with this feeling of being out there alone. Everyone else's life and world keeps going and I for just a moment want time to stand still. I am so scared because I feel like I need to know that Cannon knows how much we love him. I cannot spend enough cuddle and snuggle time with him right now, pouring kisses onto his sweet head, making him smile and laugh, but even Chase keeps on going like there is nothing to worry about and yet I feel as though it is all consuming. I need it to be over, but then I don't even want Cannon to need surgery so then I feel like I am crazy. I am scared to be left alone with my thoughts because they too are all consuming with anxiety and fear but at the same time all I want is quiet so that I can just sit and pray and talk with God. Then I think of all the times that I have needed Him before and I get upset because nothing quite equates to this. I turn on music to try to get the quiet to go away so I will not be overwhelmed with my thoughts. A song will then come on that I can relate to the words and again I feel my heart breaking, my spirit being crushed and the tears start to flow.

During my quiet devotion time today I was reading from Streams in the Desert(pg238-240) which is a daily devotional book my mom shared with me when I first was put on bed rest. I always look forward to my daily devotion as it seems to always provide me with a verse or saying that I need to hear that day or through all of this. Well, early this morning during Cannon’s first feed I was in need of encouragement or perhaps an unknown verse that could quiet my soul and fill my heart with peace. I opened it to today’s devotion and this is what I read…

“Grain must be ground to make bread.” ~Isaiah 28:28
What? I thought this must be a joke, as this was not what I needed today how can this relate to what I am going through? I needed Him and yet this is what I read. I almost shut the book to turn to my other devotional when I thought maybe I should just keep reading. The following touched my heart so much that I had to share it because I do not want to forget today’s devotion for it is one that I will hold close this week and maybe someone else can be touched by the simple unknown verse that held so much power.

“Many of us cannot be used as food for the world’s hunger, because we have yet to be broken in Christ’s hands. ‘Grain must be ground to make bread,’ and being a blessing of His often requires sorrow on our part. Yet even sorrow is not too high a price to pay for the privilege of touching other lives with Christ’s blessings. The things that are most precious to us today have come to us through tears and pain." J.R. Miller
"Difficulties challenge our energy and our perseverance but bring the strongest qualities of the soul to life. It is the weights on the old grandfather clock that keep it running. And many a sailor has faced a strong head wind yet used it to make it to port. God has chosen opposition as a catalyst to our faith and holy service. The most prominent characters of the Bible were broken, threshed, and ground into bread for the hungry…” (it then goes on to share about Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, David and Paul and all of their trials that they endured)

The coming paragraph is perhaps what held the most comfort to my soul today. I had planned on sharing why should I worry about tomorrow when today holds enough worry of its own but this today was what I needed to share. I hope that you can be touched by His words and the simple verse of Isaiah 28:28.

If it is not too much of a burden I do ask for your prayers tomorrow and in the days very soon yet to come. My baby boy needs every prayer possible, as I know that God is the only One who can truly heal our little Cannon. Thank you for your prayers, you too are in mine as I know what it means to lift up our little boy and endure the heartache of taking on our burdens and worries. Thank you!

“Combat comes before victory. If God has chosen special trials for your to endure, be assured He has kept a very special place in His heart just for you. A badly bruised soul is one who is chosen.”
--Cowman, L.B. (updated by Reimann, Jim). Streams in the Desert. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1997