Instead of doing work....I am updating pictures from 4 weeks ago!

Our fourth round of decorating, I know even Chase thinks I'm crazy, but it is the little things that I look forward to!  DINOSAURS!  Chandler again, helped pick the theme and even helped decorate.  Much to mommy's dismay, I would help choose the location and then he would put the sticker in that place.  However, after the first two stickers being placed in a totally different place I decided to have Chandler just hand the stickers to me so that I could ensure they were placed in the "proper" place.  After completion though I said "Thanks Chandler for helping!"  He sadly informed me that he didn't do anything. : (  It took some reminding that he really did.  Poor guy!  I need to remember to either just decorate it alone next time or really let him put them wherever even if it makes Cannon look silly!  Oh well!

After decorating Cannon's helmet, we went to my parent's house for Labor Day fun and Chandler informed everyone "Look we put dinosaurs and trees and bones and weeds all over Cannon's helmet!" 

Brotherly love!  And how Cannon truly feels about his new decorations!

Look at this BIG boy.  They grow so fast! 

OH YES!  Cannon has definitely found that his feet make EXCELLENT chew toys.  God did good when he created babies to be so flexible.  This way teething is so much more tolerable when you have two good teethers to chew on!!!

Daddy is so very entertaining!  Cannon laughs and loves daddy's goatee.  It is so interesting!  Daddy often rubs Cannon's hands all over his stubble and it every time will make Cannon do a belly laugh!  TOO CUTE!

Hey dad look at this thing on your chin!  Let me help you get it off!

Nosy nose!

Of course it wouldn't be as fun without big brother!

WE LOVE DADDY!

See what I mean about the great teethers that God made us with!  What else are they good for?  HAHA!

PERFECT!

So we have a new addition to our family!  No it is not a baby, but it is the ADORABLE new darling little biter named Jaws, Oreo, Izzy, Elle, Tiki, Kiki, Jawsy, Biter, Dog, Busy, Dizzy, Lucy, Paisley, Emme Loo.  Yes, I know! Crazy! Now I must say many of the names above were only for a few hours of  a trial basis but finally my mom and dad chose to name my "little sister" Emme Loo (who knows if we will ever agree on a spelling, at least for a few weeks, but it is now "blog official" so I guess it is a definite?)  Anyways, may little Emme bring so much joy and fun to my parent's home!  Tucker and Sadie are watching from above counting on little Emme to fill my mom and dad's hearts with as much joy as a furry friend can bring!

SISTERS! (HEHE)  Isn't she absolutely so cute!  I think though she is looking at my toes, fingers or anything really that she can chew on for awhile!  Puppy training!  SO MUCH FUN!

Chase with the little darling Izzy Emme!  Look how teeny tiny she is and here she is half way full grown!

Look at this picture pro!  Would you believe that I am literally sitting clear across the room from him?  I think I may have found my solution to taking pictures with eyes closed!  So here is our sweet Cannon on the mend from some icky sickies but look at those cheeks!!! 

C.U.T.I.E.! Look at those rolls and folds!

Watch out ladies, I am coming to get you!

So this week was full of the normal stress and I will get to posting about that sometime, but this week also had some laugh out loud funnies.  Chandler spent the day at our wonderful daycare provider's house as normal.  I got there to pick him up and our sweet Meme mentioned that "Chandler might need help going to the bathroom because his shorts are pretty tight." "Okay?" I reply a little confused, thinking that's odd.  Meme continues "Well, I checked and they say that they are 12 months?" Much to my dismay, I quickly lift Chandler's shirt only to see Chandler wearing the brand new JEANS I just bought for Cannon!  I immediately start laughing and through my tears I try to explain that my hubby helper dressed Chandler for the day and instead of putting Chandler's shorts on Chandler, he put Cannon's 12 month old jeans on him.  Hey?  I guess they work as shorts but man were those suckers T.I.G.H.T.!  Once home we could barely pull them off and here my big boy went through the entire day with those things on.  Man did we give daddy a hard time!  

Also, Chandler this week was full of stories.  At one point I stopped him to tell him "I love you to pieces buddy!"  Chandler took a moment to think about this comment then very worried replied to me, "Momma, no you can't love me to pieces because that would mean I was broken!"  Oh my sweet boy! 

Proof

 So, I know some of you may have thought I was crazy about being able to capture Cannon's eyes while trying to take a picture but I wanted to show how serious I am!  His timing is impeccable!  Here is the proof of his ability to time closing his eyes perfectly so that I cannot get a picture with his eyes open!  And no this is not the same shot I promise I kept thinking that I could get a cute picture while eating so I would try with each bite as he would open his eyes to see the spoon coming towards his mouth and then....

Getting annoyed, I think?  But, I promised him just one more with his eyes OPEN and I would stop!

FINALLY WE HAVE SUCCESS!!! HAHA!

Then the next day...my hope I guess is with more practice maybe we would help Cannon learn how to take a picture without closing his eyes.  HAHA!

This one is without the flash and again we finally have eyes open!  Which I can do, but it shows how fuzzy and unclear it makes the picture : (

Or maybe I just need to add brother to the picture!

Giving Up-Part 2

Below, I decided to bullet the items that have caused me much heartache of late and this is perhaps some of the subjects that have prevented me from posting, these are the topics that make my heart skip beats and cause headaches like I have not experienced before, these are the topics that bring me to my knees and question my abilities to be strong. Maybe I am not strong? These are where those who would like to see blogs about happiness and perfection should stop because the one thing I can promise is that the following topics are not happy, are not stress free, are not perfect. These topics…leave me speechless yet with so much to say.

-Insurance…need I say much more? UGH! Okay…well in all reality this area of stress and frustration has gotten better but the battle of fighting insurance seemed like it was never ending. We took all the steps necessary to ensure that Cannon’s surgery was pre-certified/approved by our insurance. This battle started at a well child exam for Cannon shortly after being diagnosed with craniosynostosis. I went to check out and was told I had a balance of $540. I was baffled. I asked for an explanation and was told that our insurance claimed that Cannon had another insurance policy. This was a major untruth. So after clearing that up, I was told by the insurance company that I needed to contact the doctor’s office to have them reprocess the claims. I did this, and was told by the billing department at the doctor’s office that technically that it was the job of the insurance to reprocess the claims. I once more was stuck in the middle just asking for someone to step up to the plate and just process the claim. Supposedly, this was done which was GREAT, but it took at least two months before it finally showed a paid balance. In the meantime, I was busy routinely contacting the insurance company to verify and reverify the information that Cannon’s surgery, helmet and other hospital expenses would be taken care of (because at one point we were told no to it all!?!?). I seriously, spoke with seven different people on different occasions as regular doctor, specialist and hospital bills would come in from pre-surgery visits. As none of these were being taken care of but I was always told that yes, indeed Cannon’s surgery would be covered as well as the helmet expense. I wrote down everyone’s name that I spoke with as well as dates and a general idea of what was said. Surgery came, went and we never received a bill from the hospital and I started to take a breath thinking that everything had worked itself out. But suddenly the bills started coming in with notes at the bottom claiming that this was not a medical necessity (insurance was denying our claims). Same for the helmet and the totals started adding up. I contacted the insurance company and was told that there was no documentation of my conversations occurring previously, but that I could make a grievance and see where that would get us. I wanted to scream. I was then told that everything was going to have to go back to the review board to see if coverage would even be allowed. I was at a loss. Seriously, seriously? So a couple of weeks ago we again received a bill stating that we still owed payment and it showed that it had been reprocessed through our insurance and that it had been once again denied. Again, I was on the phone trying to solve the issue when suddenly things started get confusing yet relief was felt as the service representative informed me that everything had been taken care of except for one bill that was still being judged a necessity or not. Cannon’s pre-op testing. Of all things? But as our conversation was moving along a total amount from the hospital was mentioned and it took me back. I was at such a loss at what total was. I suddenly, became overwhelmed with grief for those parents who have babes who practically live in the hospital for weeks or months and some with awful outcomes and here was our procedure and stay cost more than I could have ever fathomed or expected, but once again, our Heavenly Father was there to show me that he is ever and always present. Even if we do have to cover labs and helmets, the cost of those is peanuts compared to the monstrosity of it all. Then, I remembered a nurse mentioning prior to surgery that if we did not have insurance coverage they had had parents in the past just pay for it all out of pocket. I then felt for them. How? In all though, how confusing and what if I had not been strong enough to fight this insurance battle? I was, but how many don’t?

-Ridging…oh the dreaded ridging. So when we initially received Cannon’s helmet we were told that ridging of the other sutures can and more than likely will occur. This is where the sutures can bulge outward or cause ridges to form as all of the bones are moving and adjusting. Cannon had not really had issues with ridging until five weeks ago. It started small and I mentioned it to our helmet lady but was told to just keep an eye on it and it would resolve itself. Well as much as we had the faith to believe that it would do so, the ridging on Cannon’s coronal suture got worse and worse and bigger and more definitive. I called and much to my heartache had to wait through the weekend before I was able to get a solution. The solution: do not cinch the sides of the helmet tight but to just allow it to fit naturally until our next visit which was in a week. The ridging did calm down and even out by doing this, but then during our visit with the surgeon we were told that we ALWAYS needed to pull the sides tight. If we were struggling with ridging then this informed all of us that the pressure was in the wrong place or that there was too much pressure. Our surgeon made his recommendations and then our helmet lady made hers. Although confusing, I just truly need the ridging to go away. The thought that we endured all we did, and put Cannon through all that we did for the possibility of not having THE most beautiful, well rounded, perfect shaped head is heart breaking. Then the surgeon informed us that it is possible to always have some ridging but more than likely it will correct itself. That is our goal and hope for now!

-Incision Issues…again. The incisions. I know. What? Well the incisions are fully closed but again in the previous visit to KC I had made note that the front incision on the left side was really angry looking (red and not right). We were told to just keep an eye on it and make sure that it did not become infected. WHAT? I thought once a wound closed we were good to go. I…could not, would not be able to handle another infection possibility especially with it already being healed, closed, what more could I have done? So the weeks went by and slowly things again got worse instead of better. I decided I needed to figure out what was wrong. I had noted that it seemed like Cannon’s helmet was not coming down far enough. It was like it was sitting up too high but would not go down all the way. So I thought well…maybe his head is getting taller? Who knows, I am not the expert just the mom and I notice these things. Again, my perfectionism kicking in (aka o.c.d), I notice the most minute details. So I noticed. Then I realized that the hinge on the helmet was very pointed and very sharp and not so kind to the incision of which it daily, constantly rubbed and rubbed and irritated. Again, I was on the phone asking for help and guidance. We covered the hinges with band aids until we received extra pads in the mail. They helped but at our latest adjustments we ensured that the hinges were smoothed down and not as awful as they were. Now I can hope that the scar tissue that seemed to thicken and redden from the constant pressure will resolve. AH!

-Vision Issues…so I think I mentioned this post was not for the light hearted or the positive seeker at this point. Vision…well…so about our last visit with our surgeon at six weeks post-op I had questioned whether they had ever had kiddos who had received the endoscopic treatment for sagittal craniosynostos struggle with vision issues. Prior to surgery, poor Cannon would rub and rub his eyes. We were told that it was potentially allergies and then after surgery we wondered if it could have stemmed from the pressure that his brain was feeling because the rubbing had stopped. We were excited and thought we might never know the answer but we were grateful for the issue to resolve itself. Well, unfortunately though, (again I notice the most minute things) I had noticed that occasionally Cannon’s right eye would drift. If he was looking at something or someone, relaxed or focused his little eye would shift and almost make him look crossed eyed or as if he had a lazy eye. I mentioned it to our surgeon, and was told that no they had not had concerns for Cannon’s eyes with it just being a sagittal fusion but I could not shake that maybe something was wrong. I told Chase but he said that I basically was crazy (not his exact words) and that our sweet Cannon’s eyes were fine. Well then fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and out of the blue Chase mentions that he is worried because he thinks Cannon might be crossed eyed. My heart literally jumped out of my chest because for Chase to first of all worry about anything and secondly mention it especially out loud means something is seriously wrong. I stated that I had mentioned this well before now but had been told basically that I was looking for problems. Fortunately, Cannon’s six month check up was in a few days and another follow up with the surgeon. I mentioned it to both and was hopeful they would not notice. They did some of their own checks and recommended specialists, but neither noted any notable issues. Then, I mentioned it to our helmet lady and without even second guessing she asked if it was the right eye? My heart sank. I know that this is an issue that can be corrected and I know the earlier the better but when you have endured all we have and then were hopeful that nothing prior to during or post-op caused any issue this is not what I want to hear. I have told several people I really really would love to go to a doctor’s appointment and hear “Everything is GREAT!”, but then again, I know that in all reality we too often don’t see the doctor when everything is great we often just go to get help or seek advice, but seriously!?!?!

-Formula…at this point I know that I have talked this subject to death but I am crushed. I know I shouldn’t be and with each passing moment as I suddenly find myself dreading my pump altogether I realize maybe this is best for now. The day I realized that I had to stop pumping over my only true break at school, lunch, I seriously called my mom to cry. I felt like I was failing. I was failing at something that is supposed to come so natural. I was failing at the way God designed a mommy and baby to connect. I know it is not the end of the world, but I think I mentioned I do NOT give up E.V.E.R! I feel like I have given up on pumping and giving Cannon breast milk, but I tried. But the fact that “breast is best” is everywhere as a mom. It was never ever my intention to need formula though. Especially when Cannon had to undergo surgery and get through a winter where he MUST stay healthy in order for everything to be perfect. I still emotionally struggle with this. My physical sense tells me it is okay, a mom is not designed to pump a mom is designed to nurse and it is not the same. No matter who says it is, it is not and my body knows this. I have tried and tried and tried. I still look at other mothers or listen to their stories where they are able to exclusively nurse and nourish their babies and what a great start and foundation they are giving their little ones and I wish that was the same for Cannon and I, but it is not. Reality tells me that it is okay, my mom, and those around me, but in the back of my mind it still crushes me that the one way that I always pictured in my mind of motherhood to provide the best and making it work is not working. The transition to formula for Cannon has been painless, probably not even noticed. But I know the strain it puts on me as a mom to think that I maybe not giving my baby the “best” is painful.

So there it is, all my negativities. I truly truly am a positive person and I truly truly struggled writing all this and putting it out there, but I wanted others to know that it is okay to not have everything be perfect. It is okay to not have the most perfect, hubby, and the most perfect children and the most perfect job, because Heaven truly knows that life is not made to be perfect. People are not made to be perfect. Our pastor recently preached on conflict and something he said so resonated. He said “We seek our spouses to be perfect, we seek our spouse to be our Jesus, not because they are, but because we live with them, they provide for us, they support us, they are there for us and our spirit longs for a Jesus. We have to realize our spouse is NOT Jesus.” Now I know it sounds as though he was just talking about marriage but to me he was talking about it all. He was talking about my relationship with others, Cannon’s doctors, our home remodelers, my coworkers, my children, my friends, my kiddos, my beloved husband and myself. I cannot expect things to be perfect as no one, no one, not even I am perfect. I know it is a crazy revolution but one that has taken me this long to come to. I can’t expect in one night to have my mindset change, I know this, but I really am setting out to realize when life gets me stressed, when people are not doing things perfectly, when my world seems chaotic that is okay because no one, nothing but Jesus is perfect.

So to sign off this what seems like a never ending post I read this quote in my devotion the other day and it was ***perfect***.

Trials are soil in which faith grows.

Giving Up-Part 1

So for the twentieth time I have sat down to write this post and while it seems ever so difficult, I very seriously have wrote this post in my mind at least twenty times. Every time I think I have it worded just right, I scratch that idea and decide that it needs to be more positive, more uplifting, more focused on the good and not the stress that life has consumed me with. But then suddenly, after reading other blogs where life is wonderful and everything is beyond perfect and all things are good and sunshiny and nothing could ever possibly go wrong, or be difficult I realized that maybe in all reality, a dose of not everything is perfect is, okay? I know that this is a place for me to update and share and maybe even seek encouragement and my absence has not gone unnoticed, by me and by those who have taken the time to ask about everything and I have appreciated that more than one could ever know. I too many times have longed for a moment, a minute even maybe just a second to sit and post, but then life, again, throws us curve balls and I at times feel as though we are to just take the hit and hope that the damage is not enough to break us. So am I giving up? No, because as one of my favorite songs that I just so happened to hear three times on my most recent six hour road trip reminded me “I won’t give up on us, even when the skies get rough, I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up.” So I may not be giving up, but I may need some encouragement.

I am not one who gives up. EVER. I give everything my all until it absolutely burns me out or burns me. I truly try to give not just 100 percent of me to everything possible, but 110 percent, shoot, probably 150 percent. And yet today, yesterday in the days and last few weeks I have found myself on the go and not being able to shake the feeling that I am missing so much, causing an underlying wave of worry, stress and all around anxiety. I always try so very hard to see the positive and be positive and so without further ado…

Here is an update on Cannon’s appointment from three almost four weeks ago (please note that this visit was very positive and exciting)…
-Cannon’s head had grown in width, 4 millimeters in three weeks! Very exciting even though it is so very small!
-Cannon’s cranial index was at 81%. This percent is calculated from a variety of measurements. We started at 70% before surgery so we have had TREMENDOUS gains for only being post-op two months (three months this past weekend, can you believe it?)! The normal range is 86%-89%.
-Cannon does have more islands of bone growth!!! One of the islands has also dramatically continued to grow larger and is about the size of a dime!
-We were very hopeful that Cannon’s head would have expanded and grown so much that we would need a new helmet soon as this is a sign that we are on progress to be finished with helmet therapy one year post-op. However, Cannon’s head is not quite where they would like it to be width wise in the front (behind his forehead). So we were told that because of the lack of growth in this area and then also in width towards the back of his head we will probably not receive a new helmet for two months.

Fast forward couple of weeks ago…

During dinner I found myself just thinking about all that I needed to get done before collapsing into bed to only wake up and do it all over again the next day. Then, I suddenly realized that I had just completed an entire conversation with Chandler of which I was unaware of what had been said on either side. AH! This is a scary realization to make when it comes to a three-year old with a very active imagination, but fortunately it must have not been too dramatic or traumatic as we both made it to dinner without tears or a tantrum! Which as of late, has become hard to do. Chandler while becoming very independent has struggled to draw that line of knowing what he can and cannot do, yet wanting to do everything since he is a big boy. This includes picking up Cannon only to realize that he is too heavy and ever not so lightly dropping him back down. Or perhaps help him “sit” up while close to the edge of the bed to have Cannon fall! AH! WHAT? Awful, I know. Chandler also has learned that it is not okay to squish Cannon’s belly as Cannon does not appreciate this nor does Cannon's belly. Chandler also learned that it is NOT okay to put your thumb in Cannon’s eye, as Cannon, momma and daddy think that this is NOT okay! Chandler also had to learn that hitting is not a solution to problems. Although that took a bit to break the habit, I think we are back on track and understanding that being a big boy is hard work. Especially when you are three! Especially when you have a kindergarten teacher as a mommy! Being three comes with a big responsibilities like not hitting, trying your best, not using the awful words of “I CAN’T!”, being helpful even when one thinks that it impossible to do so (example: Me:“Chandler, please get momma that washcloth.” Chandler: “What washcloth momma?” Me:“The one by your foot.” Chandler: throws himself onto the floor sobbing “I can’t find it!!!!”), dressing oneself (again, impossible feat when asked to do so, but if Chandler wants to get dressed it seriously takes all of three seconds) and just overall being a kind, good, compassionate, respectful, responsible big boy AND brother. Please don’t mistake that I do have a very loving, sweet and precious little big boy who means to world to us, but being three has been a learning experience for all of us.

Another steep learning curve is realizing that perhaps my perfect expectations are not so perfect. I know that perfectionism is not a highly sought out quality or even one that perhaps many people would want to acknowledge that they possess, but I unfortunately struggle with perfectionism. It comes and goes in waves. When I feel stressed or anxious my perfectionism kicks into overdrive until it literally exhausts me. There are a multitude of examples but the one I struggle with immensely is…my house is a disaster and I cannot function when it is a disaster. I then hyper focus on picking things up only to turn around and realize that the floor, couch and living space that I just made beautiful is perhaps suppose to look like a traffic pile up full of cars, batman mobiles, trucks, zoo animals, Bumbo seats, baby toys, dog toys, unread parenting magazines, a pump, misplaced couch cushions and pillows, Chandler’s shirts that need to be hung up, Pizza Party faux food pieces all the while Chandler is mad because I am not eating his “meal” that he ever so graciously prepared and Cannon is crying because apparently I forgot that he was suppose to eat N.O.W. Suddenly, everything must halt so that I can take a minute to breathe and remember that no one else cares that my house looks like a possible internal toy/workspace tornado came through and unleashed its fury only to then have visitors think that we actually live like this? Yes, I know thank you, I actually feel so uncomfortable that you are here to see my house like this that I will think of probably a few excuses as to why things look like this and it won’t matter because you will still walk away and think that my house is a MESS! AH! And the stress returns.

My perfect expectations also spill over into my career and this is perhaps the most difficult. I will work myself into the ground trying and trying to ensure that every moment, lesson, center, decoration, discussion possible is perfect for my kiddos. And suddenly reality hits so hard because who is my career focused around, oh yes…kindergarteners. Now as hard as this may seem to some, I am exhausted, and bless their little hearts they have to be exhausted too. All of us have taken so much time to learn from one another this year, more so than in years past. I seriously at times wonder what I not only signed myself up for, but my family as well. I clock in and stay until the last minute possible so I can rush to pick up the boys to then come home do our nightly rushed routine to then put in at least two more hours of planning, searching for solutions, ideas, ideas, planning, creating, and it goes on. I then during the day set high expectations and it really took someone very dear to me, to remind me that perhaps my expectations were part of the problem. That hit hard. That was a “below the belt” hit. I was speechless and still struggle with maybe, maybe it was/is me. Maybe it is me striving for perfection that makes everything so very hard. Or maybe it is the thought that others should be perfect and do their jobs perfectly so that I can then be at ease. I then realized that it is okay to set high expectations for myself, for others, for my little darlings, but I have to remember to ensure that my expectations are realistic and that just because expectations can be set high the achievability (I know...not a real word..but it works) does take time and time and perhaps more time. So maybe my house is not as clean as I would like it to be and it may not be tomorrow or the next day but with time it can be back to that prior to school starting beauty. Maybe I am not a perfect mother even though I strive to be, but yet maybe it takes those special moments when I can just focus on my babes as they are only so little once. Maybe I am not a perfect teacher (just typing that is hard to do) but I can hope that the best that I can give is good enough, great enough to challenge my kiddos to reach their highest. Maybe my kindergarten darlings aren’t perfect but if they are working hard and trying their best that is OKAY!

More to come...I promise.