12:45am~I finally managed to fall into bed. After so many tears and doubts, posts, and prayers there was no more I could do. I had managed to get literally everything possible done for my guys. I had run Chase through all of the luggage and my hopeful routine for Chandler so he would know where everything was and what I had hoped for Chandler in the very near days. We knew that I probably would not be able to make decisions or be easily available. I had called everyone who was coming up to let them know that we were on and set. We had gotten the call at 4:30pm on Thursday letting us know that they did have a bed available for Cannon in the PICU (such relief yet dread) and that he was the set for the first surgery of the day! We needed to be at the hospital at 6:00am. Cannon needed to have his last feed of breast milk finished by 3:30am and could have pedialyte until 4:00am. I actually went to bed in my capris that I would be wearing the next day because it was like one more thing I could do before tomorrow. I was so scared. When I had talked to my mom earlier and she said “Goodnight, I love you and I will see you in the morning.” My response was “I don’t think so.” I really truly did not think that I could do it, be there, give my baby to a surgeon to do what he needed to change my baby forever.
2:00am~My alarm went off to go get Cannon’s last bottle of breast milk ready. Cannon has been sleeping through the nights from 9:00pm-6:00am since about May. This was such a change for him that he literally did not even open his eyes for this feed. He probably thought I was crazy but he took the full bottle and we both fell asleep quickly after that only my stomach was so tightly knotted that I really thought I might get sick.
3:45am~Okay….well my alarm went off about 3:15 so I could get Cannon’s pedialyte ready but apparently I had not heard it. I got up fast and attempted to offer him the bottle but he seriously did not even swallow one sip. So then I started stressing thinking GREAT they said it was so important for him to stay hydrated. Now what? Well apparently my little guy for the first time in his life was not going to be a part of what was going on. He just turned his head and slept so soundly.
4:10am~ Well after all the stress of not taking the sugar water, I decided there was no more I could do but get up and get ready. I was already half way dressed yet I felt as though there was so much to do to get ready. In all reality there truly was not, but it was just my way of coping. So I got up washed all the bottles, checked and double checked my luggage that I would take to the hospital, pumped, packed two bottles for later, checked Chandler’s bag just in case he ended up staying with one of the grandparents, got ready, packed my cosmetic bag (toothbrush, face wash, contact case and solution) and had my quiet devotional time. This is what it said: Encouraging Word of the Day-“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not grow faint” ~Isaiah 40:31~ AMAZING!!! I looked upward and said “Thank You!” With tears streaming down I knew in that moment I would be okay this whole thing would be okay! Tears and lots of them fell quickly and rapidly but I had more to do.
5:30am~ I woke up my beloved Chandler and Chase. My poor buddy, Chandler, is such a sleeper. He LOVES sleep just like some other people I know. Oh yeah, Chase and I! Anyway, I woke him up to be greeted by I think some dreaming because he mumbled something I could not make sense of and then he got up crawled into a ball on the floor and was out. So it took a little more convincing that it was time to get ready. Chase loaded the car. I felt sick again, it was finally here there was nothing I could do at this point to stop it. I had to be brave. I had to believe. I had to trust.
*** I would not have made it through all of this without all of you. I know that so many of you were praying and believing for me when I could not. Thank you!***
5:50am~We left. As we pulled out, I told Chase to stop for just a second because I might have forgotten something. I needed to go back and check. He just looked at me and promised “It will be okay. It is time. I will come back if I need to.” But didn’t he see, I needed to make sure. He didn’t stop he just kept going. However, on the way we hit every single red light. With each stop I would have thought that I would have come unglued and thought it was a sign to turn around yet instead for some reason I suddenly needed us to just get there. Maybe it was in this fleeting moment that I realized if we could just get there then somehow maybe it would all be okay.
6:06am~ (The only reason I know this exact time is because it is on my security badge that was printed on my way in.) We were there, at Children's Mercy. There was no turning back. I headed up the elevators just me and Cannon as Chase and Chandler were parking the car. I was not willling to drive round and round in the parking garage waiting with my thoughts. I signed in with the receptionist, checked in with the nurse and then sat. Chandler and Chase were right there waiting already. I got Cannon out of his carrier and just held him. He was so interested in what was going on around us, he was so happy, so content. We waited and waited and waited for what seemed like an eternity. Families one by one were called back. I watched others and tried to imagine what they were feeling. Did they know what my baby had to endure today? I wanted to encourage the others with even a smile but I couldn’t. I needed a moment. I needed to overcome my own shock of what we were about to experience. Then we heard our sweet baby's name “Cannon”.
6:45am~We were escorted back to the exam room. Quickly ever so quickly the nurse checked everything necessary. Our incredible surgeon then came in. This is when I lost it. I looked in his eyes and I needed him to be strong. I needed him to have angels guiding him and God’s hands to guide his own. At first the tears were just present not falling. He started talking about it all reviewing the procedure and then the tears fell fast and in a fury. He stopped. He took my hand and said words I will never forget and hold close to my heart forever. He said “Don’t worry, I will treat him as though he was my own son. I know it is hard but I promise.” Talk about tears. He then said those all too familiar words “It will be okay.” I nodded and he just stood there so I could have a minute, a moment. He left with a promise to take care of my baby, my precious, precious Cannon. Then I heard it. Chase too was trying to stop his own dam of tears. We sat there Chandler trying to make sense of it. Cannon sleeping. Our tears falling. Then another nurse entered and told us that we had quite a crowd in the waiting room and that the doctor was really ready so she didn’t want to rush but she wanted to make sure we understood everything, had signed all the necessary papers and we still needed to meet the anesthesiologist and the nurses that would be taking care of our baby in the Operating Room. We met with the anesthesiologist she told us what to expect time line wise and then Cannon’s OR nurses came to talk to us. Everyone was ready. Because of our crowd of parents waiting we walked back through the waiting room so everyone could follow us to the “goodbye” spot, to pour onto Cannon one last time before surgery how dearly loved he was and that we planned on him being a super baby so that we could see him soon. When Chase and I first started dating I was young and silly, but I had said that I never wanted us to say goodbye because it was so final instead we say “See ya!” or “I love you!” and just end our conversation. So to us this spot was not one of goodbyes but one of treasuring that last moment before surgery full of love, hugs and kisses and “See you soon little buddy!”
7:35am~ Reunion Avenue. I think that is what it is called. We did exactly what I mentioned above yet there were many many tears and heavy hearts. I think we all couldn’t hug Cannon enough. To me, it was like one more hug and maybe if I just stood for a moment all else would fade away and Cannon wouldn’t have to go through this. Maybe if I just said one more prayer it wouldn’t be true. It would be a miracle. It could be a miracle. But then it was time. Time to hand my four-month-old angel into the hands of two very kind nurses so that they could take him to where his life would forever be changed.
***Note Surgery Date: June 22, 2012
***Cannon's Age at Surgery: 4 months 6 days
No comments:
Post a Comment