CT Scan

The weekend was a blur, full of family and events.  Anything and everything to try to keep our mind off of the reality of the situation.  But it was Easter weekend, full of rejoicing and celebrating, what this holiday meant to us, to our family, to our faith.  However, no matter how much joy and laughter there was there was still that moment, that thought that would never stop.  It was the fact that on Monday, after the CT scan things could drastically change.  The peaceful calm life that we were settling into could possibly be tipped.

I was not strong enough.

I knew I was not strong enough. 

In the still and quiet I would doubt.

I doubted myself. 

I doubted the doctors. 

I doubted the results. 

I doubted the fact that this was happening to us, to our beautiful precious Cannon.

Of course we had googled.  We googled that word, scaphocephaly.  We saw beautiful babies with misshapen heads.  We compared.  We analyzed.  Sure there were similarities but Cannon was different, right? We read.  We researched just basic treatments, you know just helmets nothing invasive, nothing too difficult to endure.  I pulled pictures striving to find a picture of the top/side/front/back of Chandler’s head from when he was a baby.  I remembered every well child checkup they would and still comment on Chandler’s head being high on the percentile chart, I mean like in the 98%.  So surely this was just going to be Cannon’s story as well. 

I stressed.

I thought for sure I would be sick.  However, fortunately the weekend alleviated even if just for a short while the constant thoughts.  My thoughts were awful.  I felt as though I somehow was responsible.  I still wonder.  Maybe if I hadn’t been on bedrest.  Maybe it was in my genetic makeup.  Maybe it was my inability to carry my babies full term.  Maybe it was something I had done because surely he would not be created this way.  This was a deformity, it was me taking ownership of it, needing to take ownership of it.  But Chase, kept on ensuring me it wasn’t, kept saying it would be okay.  So I trusted that God would be there.  We would get answers.  Again though, what do you pray for?  So I prayed that God understood that I didn’t have words right now because I just didn’t know what to say but that the Holy Spirit could take my heart and make it known.  We wanted there to be no scaphocephaly, but if there was we wanted God to guide us through it because we knew we were not strong enough.  But if worse came to worse then there would be the need for a helmet.  That was all.

I hoped.

Monday came.  FINALLY!  Chase took Cannon and with the help of his mom the CT scan was a walk in the park for Cannon.  He acted as if it was no big deal.  I think they were literally done in twenty minutes of the start of the scan!  Chase called at 2:30 and I was shocked but so relieved.  There had been no need for sedation and they had gotten called back so quickly Cannon hadn’t even got to finish his bottle but he still did great!  Thank you Father! 

Now we waited and prayed.

Where to begin? Part 2

Cannon's Story...

We finally were released from going to the doctor’s for continuous weight checks! 

I celebrated.

Yet we had not even once seen or heard from our primary pediatrician.  For Cannon’s two week appointment his primary pediatrician cancelled and we saw a different pediatrician from the same office.  Well, we our saw our primary pediatrician once when we took Chandler in for a strain of the flu but she did not even acknowledge Cannon except for to inform me that if Cannon got sick with the similar strain or parts of the virus it would be an immediate return to the hospital.  Great thing to tell an exhausted, stressed out, emotional momma who had had enough of the hospital/doctor’s office, and yet we were there not for Cannon but for Chandler who was also very sick. 

I stressed.

However, finally with two weeks left of maternity leave I could breathe!  Cannon was gaining weight; we found an eating/pumping routine that worked.  I again tried to go back to nursing, but for Cannon it was just was not something he was able to do.  Although it was heartbreaking to not be able to do what I had hoped for, I at least was able to provide what I felt was best for Cannon.  Yet, Cannon was a VERY slow eater (three ounces would take him an hour).

I learned how to be dedicated.

Then came the day to return to my kindergarten babes.  I had not seen them for so long, ten weeks, an entire quarter of their kindergarten year.  Although I was excited, being away from the daily routines and schedules and demands of teaching had been drastic and that was okay because I had a precious baby to dedicate my time to.  I cried the night before I left to go on bed rest and I cried the night before I returned.  I pulled into the parking lot and after a moment of silence, a quick prayer, a deep breath I walked in strong and ready.  But my emotions took hold the moment I saw my colleagues awaiting for my arrival.

I cried. 

I was leaving my tiny precious baby for my career.  He was so little.  He was so young.  He was so precious.  He was so perfect.  How could I have made this choice? 

I had no choice. 

Coming back the day I did left me with only one week and two days left of FMLA coverage if something came up between now and the end of the year.  But nothing would happen, everything would be fine.  Chase would take Cannon to his two month appointment (again, our primary care pediatrician would not be seeing Cannon due to her vacation) and Chandler and Cannon could surely stay healthy the last two months of school.         

I hoped.

Cannon was a very slow eater but he also was a very loud eater.  He was very snorty and I felt like he was very congested.  We dealt with this for awhile.  I had called the doctor’s office for advice.  The said try saline drops and suction as needed.  But neither was helpful.  Not to mention suctioning was not successful or enjoyable for either of us. 

I tried.

After week of constant saline drops prior to eating and suctioning things had not gotten better they had actually gotten worse and eating for Cannon was getting harder.  Eating was hard due to his inability to breathe and eat at the same time.  I finally decided Cannon had to be seen so Chase took him in on Thursday, April 5^th.  Again, our primary pediatrician was not available so we saw the pediatrician who did the rounds during the week of our hospital stay after Cannon’s delivery.  I had told Chase to call as soon as he was done just so that I could hear everything was okay, just a cold or maybe allergies.  Chase called and told me his nose, throat and lungs checked out fine!  She talked to Chase about Cannon possibly having a reflux issue with his sucking that would make him a loud eater, but it was not anything to be concerned about he would outgrow it. 

I felt relieved!

Then Chase said, but she was concerned about the shaping of his head.  What?  His head was very narrow and shaped somewhat like a football. What?  Wait, he was just going in for a stuffy nose.  Okay what now?  She wanted Cannon to have an X-ray and Chase was to go home get another bottle and immediately go to the ER for the X-ray.  Okay and this means...well...she mentioned this word scaphocephaly.  Is she sure?  What is that?  How do you pronounce it? How is it spelled? Is she sure?  What are the causes? What are the complications?  Is this a major or minor thing? What is the treatment?  How does she know?  Is she sure?  Why?

I was scared.