We made it! One year! What a year! As I write this, my day has been so full of emotion.
It's an amazing place to be, but as I made myself remember each moment it was easy to "transport" back to the exact timing and place of where we were a year ago today. Then the tears would start to fill my eyes and I send a prayer of thanks. Thanks for all those who have prayed, those who are still praying, and those who have impacted our lives because of our situation. This past year has not been easy and although we are still waiting to be helmet free I hope and pray that our journey will just become a bump in the road. Something we had to pass through, a distant memory. We have battle wounds, scars for real on the top of my baby's head and those symbolically on my heart, but a year ago today had faded until a month ago.
When Chase turned the May calendar to June and there I saw it. My little emoji that I had drawn onto the 22nd symbolizing that we had made it! One year post-op! A cranioversary worth celebrating! I had to call my mom because the second I saw it, it all rushed back in a flood that took me to my knees. I suddenly realized I hadn't thought of it for awhile. I hadn't mentally walked through each step, each part of the day of surgery and those immediately following, as I had post op. It had been weeks maybe, since I had thought of it and then I felt like I had done a disservice not thinking about it. I was talking to someone about it and couldn't even remember the word saggital. And then I felt it my heart breaking, that here what had once consumed my life was yet a distant thing of the past. Perhaps I had shoved it down. Maybe wanted to forget or maybe it was just that. I was healing. Healing from the hurt. Healing from the pain that not everything was perfect. Healing from what I couldn't change.
Cannon's helmet was Cannon. When it is off he looks so different. It is just a part of him. I know many would disagree. And I honestly cannot wait until we hear those words that we are HELMET FREE but looking at him I don't see it. I don't see the helmet. It doesn't upset me. It doesn't even phase him. It is just Cannon!
We anxiously return to the hospital this week and hope we can hear we are D.O.N.E! We had our hopes set very high that in April we would hear those sweet words but it was decided we were not done. So the very week that we are one year post op we return to that place that changed so much of us! Cannon still has a spot in the very back that needs to fill in but otherwise the shape of his head is a thing of beauty! Its perfect as it should be! Its smooth and full of beautiful blond curls that haven't yet seen scissors as I want to enjoy the beautiful curls without being smashed under a helmet. We have struggled these last few weeks to get him to leave his helmet on, as sitting in the car its thrown off, sitting in the stroller its handed off, sitting in the highchair its taken off, playing with brother its tossed off, throwing a tantrum it is torn off, sleeping in bed it is slid off so that he can feel the comfiness of his bed and the cush of his mattress instead of the hard plastic that normally encases his sweet golden locks. I think he has had it off more than on, but we have tried. So we wait! We wait to hear we are free! Done with the helmet! Done with being asked about why he wears it! Done with worrying about that spot that needs filled in! And begin as we have already began stressing about each time he hits that precious noggin on something! He has bruises and red marks from being Mr. Independent! Walking and climbing and climbing and climbing! AHHHHH! Life of a toddler! I love it yet at the same time it is perhaps one of the more demanding times of infant hood!
I want to thank all of those who prayed, all of those who are still praying but most of all thank God who showed us so much love and healing through all of this last year!
Happy Cranioversary Dear Baby! We love you!
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