CT Scan

The weekend was a blur, full of family and events.  Anything and everything to try to keep our mind off of the reality of the situation.  But it was Easter weekend, full of rejoicing and celebrating, what this holiday meant to us, to our family, to our faith.  However, no matter how much joy and laughter there was there was still that moment, that thought that would never stop.  It was the fact that on Monday, after the CT scan things could drastically change.  The peaceful calm life that we were settling into could possibly be tipped.

I was not strong enough.

I knew I was not strong enough. 

In the still and quiet I would doubt.

I doubted myself. 

I doubted the doctors. 

I doubted the results. 

I doubted the fact that this was happening to us, to our beautiful precious Cannon.

Of course we had googled.  We googled that word, scaphocephaly.  We saw beautiful babies with misshapen heads.  We compared.  We analyzed.  Sure there were similarities but Cannon was different, right? We read.  We researched just basic treatments, you know just helmets nothing invasive, nothing too difficult to endure.  I pulled pictures striving to find a picture of the top/side/front/back of Chandler’s head from when he was a baby.  I remembered every well child checkup they would and still comment on Chandler’s head being high on the percentile chart, I mean like in the 98%.  So surely this was just going to be Cannon’s story as well. 

I stressed.

I thought for sure I would be sick.  However, fortunately the weekend alleviated even if just for a short while the constant thoughts.  My thoughts were awful.  I felt as though I somehow was responsible.  I still wonder.  Maybe if I hadn’t been on bedrest.  Maybe it was in my genetic makeup.  Maybe it was my inability to carry my babies full term.  Maybe it was something I had done because surely he would not be created this way.  This was a deformity, it was me taking ownership of it, needing to take ownership of it.  But Chase, kept on ensuring me it wasn’t, kept saying it would be okay.  So I trusted that God would be there.  We would get answers.  Again though, what do you pray for?  So I prayed that God understood that I didn’t have words right now because I just didn’t know what to say but that the Holy Spirit could take my heart and make it known.  We wanted there to be no scaphocephaly, but if there was we wanted God to guide us through it because we knew we were not strong enough.  But if worse came to worse then there would be the need for a helmet.  That was all.

I hoped.

Monday came.  FINALLY!  Chase took Cannon and with the help of his mom the CT scan was a walk in the park for Cannon.  He acted as if it was no big deal.  I think they were literally done in twenty minutes of the start of the scan!  Chase called at 2:30 and I was shocked but so relieved.  There had been no need for sedation and they had gotten called back so quickly Cannon hadn’t even got to finish his bottle but he still did great!  Thank you Father! 

Now we waited and prayed.