Tests...

Chase did as the doctor said, he arrived at the ER for X-rays.  He had to wait an hour and forty-five minutes just to be seen but that was okay.  Cannon was such a calm, quiet and happy baby he really was unphased by all of it.  Finally, the X-ray tech was ready.  She took her pictures and told Chase she would immediately fax everything to our pediatrician’s office and that we should have results by the next day.  It was agonizing just thinking about what the results contained and how this could change everything!

I prayed.

We prayed so hard, but what do you pray for in a moment like this.  We prayed that the results would hold all the answers needed, but I need to back up a bit.  I knew in my heart of hearts something was wrong.  As a matter of fact, I had told Chase a week prior to going in to the doctor’s I thought it was odd that Cannon literally had no soft spots.  But in my mind someone in the health field would have noticed.  One of the nurses, doctors or specialists would have said something, anything about the fact that something wasn’t quite right.  So again, I just thought it was taking awhile for his head to develop the soft spots, that was it. And now this!?!?  Why didn’t someone mention it, I could have monitored more closely.  However, maybe it was a disguised blessing for if someone would have mentioned it prior I don’t know that I would have been able to face the next day.

I needed calm.

I needed peace.

I needed results.

I needed to know that everything, and I mean everything would be okay with my precious, sweet and perfect baby.  So we waited.  I waited until 8:00am and called the pediatrician’s office(I know not really waiting, but it was the most I could do).  I asked if the results had been faxed and whether or not a radiologist would be reading the results or one of the doctors.  I asked when the results would be read and we would have the answers.  I was told it may not be until Tuesday!  Today was Friday.  I would have to go into the weekend with this hanging over us!  Easter weekend to top it all off, where we would be seeing extended family members all wanting to talk about how great everything was going.  How wonderful it must be to be a family of four.  How perfect Cannon was.  How beautiful our family was and I was just supposed to go on like nothing was wrong or bothersome without focusing on the unknown, without breaking down, without focusing on my situation instead of the great miracle that this weekend represented? 

I couldn’t. 

I wouldn’t.  

So I was persistent. 

I gave them until 11:00am.  I called again.  I asked if the results were in.  I spoke with a different nurse, she did some checking and nothing had even come into the office?!?! What?  Well...I needed results.  I was again promised that as soon as the results were read that I would get a call but it might be Tuesday.  Really?  However, I emphasized several times that I truly was hoping and expecting results today.  The X-ray tech had told Chase it was possible, and I needed it to happen. 

I waited.

Then at 2:30 a call came.  I called the counselor to cover my class and took my phone call in the hallway.  I spoke with the same nurse from my 11:00 phone call and she said “The results were inconclusive.” WHAT?  “We need to have Cannon do a CT scan to receive clarifying results.” WHAT?  “The doctor mentioned this to your husband yesterday.”  WHAT? “When should I schedule the CT?”  Soon, today, tomorrow, as soon as possible, we needed results! Finally, after having a moment.  I told her to schedule as soon as she could.  We would go anywhere and at whatever time needed.  However, I had concerns. Cannon had already had a chest X-ray in the hospital, a brain ultrasound, an EKG and now a head X-ray and would soon need a CT scan.  The nurse said that the exposure to radiation was not really the issue as we needed the results.  Then my next question was “Is it possible to have all of this testing and still have it work out to where it was nothing to be concerned about?”  The nurse told me yes, it was possible so again I hoped.  She told me she would contact me as soon as she had the CT scheduled but that I needed to know that the CT could take hours of time to perform depending on Cannon.  Also, if Cannon struggled with being still and not cooperating then sedation might be required.  She gave the tip of taking him hungry and feeding him in the waiting room so that he would get drowsy.  Because after all he was seven weeks old.  Like we could really prep him to hold still and “be good” for his CT scan.  We hung up and I wanted to cry but I told myself to wait because after all the results today were inconclusive so we could pray for the results of the CT scan, maybe this is what was needed more time.  More time for Cannon’s head to correct itself.  That could happen right? 

I prayed.

The nurse called back and said that our appointment would be on Monday at 2:00.  Chase again would have to take him.  How again could I have my baby to go through this without me there?  It was what was best.  I probably wouldn’t be able to handle it anyway. 

We prayed.

Where to begin? Part 2

Cannon's Story...

We finally were released from going to the doctor’s for continuous weight checks! 

I celebrated.

Yet we had not even once seen or heard from our primary pediatrician.  For Cannon’s two week appointment his primary pediatrician cancelled and we saw a different pediatrician from the same office.  Well, we our saw our primary pediatrician once when we took Chandler in for a strain of the flu but she did not even acknowledge Cannon except for to inform me that if Cannon got sick with the similar strain or parts of the virus it would be an immediate return to the hospital.  Great thing to tell an exhausted, stressed out, emotional momma who had had enough of the hospital/doctor’s office, and yet we were there not for Cannon but for Chandler who was also very sick. 

I stressed.

However, finally with two weeks left of maternity leave I could breathe!  Cannon was gaining weight; we found an eating/pumping routine that worked.  I again tried to go back to nursing, but for Cannon it was just was not something he was able to do.  Although it was heartbreaking to not be able to do what I had hoped for, I at least was able to provide what I felt was best for Cannon.  Yet, Cannon was a VERY slow eater (three ounces would take him an hour).

I learned how to be dedicated.

Then came the day to return to my kindergarten babes.  I had not seen them for so long, ten weeks, an entire quarter of their kindergarten year.  Although I was excited, being away from the daily routines and schedules and demands of teaching had been drastic and that was okay because I had a precious baby to dedicate my time to.  I cried the night before I left to go on bed rest and I cried the night before I returned.  I pulled into the parking lot and after a moment of silence, a quick prayer, a deep breath I walked in strong and ready.  But my emotions took hold the moment I saw my colleagues awaiting for my arrival.

I cried. 

I was leaving my tiny precious baby for my career.  He was so little.  He was so young.  He was so precious.  He was so perfect.  How could I have made this choice? 

I had no choice. 

Coming back the day I did left me with only one week and two days left of FMLA coverage if something came up between now and the end of the year.  But nothing would happen, everything would be fine.  Chase would take Cannon to his two month appointment (again, our primary care pediatrician would not be seeing Cannon due to her vacation) and Chandler and Cannon could surely stay healthy the last two months of school.         

I hoped.

Cannon was a very slow eater but he also was a very loud eater.  He was very snorty and I felt like he was very congested.  We dealt with this for awhile.  I had called the doctor’s office for advice.  The said try saline drops and suction as needed.  But neither was helpful.  Not to mention suctioning was not successful or enjoyable for either of us. 

I tried.

After week of constant saline drops prior to eating and suctioning things had not gotten better they had actually gotten worse and eating for Cannon was getting harder.  Eating was hard due to his inability to breathe and eat at the same time.  I finally decided Cannon had to be seen so Chase took him in on Thursday, April 5^th.  Again, our primary pediatrician was not available so we saw the pediatrician who did the rounds during the week of our hospital stay after Cannon’s delivery.  I had told Chase to call as soon as he was done just so that I could hear everything was okay, just a cold or maybe allergies.  Chase called and told me his nose, throat and lungs checked out fine!  She talked to Chase about Cannon possibly having a reflux issue with his sucking that would make him a loud eater, but it was not anything to be concerned about he would outgrow it. 

I felt relieved!

Then Chase said, but she was concerned about the shaping of his head.  What?  His head was very narrow and shaped somewhat like a football. What?  Wait, he was just going in for a stuffy nose.  Okay what now?  She wanted Cannon to have an X-ray and Chase was to go home get another bottle and immediately go to the ER for the X-ray.  Okay and this means...well...she mentioned this word scaphocephaly.  Is she sure?  What is that?  How do you pronounce it? How is it spelled? Is she sure?  What are the causes? What are the complications?  Is this a major or minor thing? What is the treatment?  How does she know?  Is she sure?  Why?

I was scared.