Reaction

Yesterday, was our four week mark!!! Some days it feels every bit of that, and on other days it feels like forever ago that we were where we were. However, we truly are so blessed to be on this side of things. But as the title of this post states I have a question.



Reaction?



What is your reaction to this?

Well, let me tell you that through this all, people’s reactions to Cannon’s helmet have perhaps been the most interesting.

I am amazed at people.

I am shocked at people’s reactions.

I am hurt, at times, by their reactions.

I do not say any of this to offend anyone. I was questioned by someone very dear what would I do if the roles were reversed and we were out and about and Chandler loudly asked about that baby’s helmet what would I do? I was quiet for a moment, and then being in the position that I now am in it was hard to think of an instant response. But it is amazing when we are out with Cannon at the double takes. The stares. The inquisitive eyes. The not so quiet whispers that, yes, I can hear. The absolute avoidance of eye contact even when it is needed. I am SO glad that Cannon is the age he is because he doesn’t notice but being the age I am, I do.

I still look at my baby and I see my beautiful Cannon. I see all that he has had to endure.  I see how super and brave he is. And, yes although this is not permanent I absolutely cannot fathom if it was. I cannot imagine parents and what they must endure if their child’s situation is long term or even permanent, when they go out and about with their beautiful babes and they get the stares, looks and hear the not so quiet whispers and they don’t get to hear how beautiful their baby is. Although at times I want to share our story with those onlookers it is so hard because unless you have a moment to stop and actually listen it is not a quick response. I am so surprised at the reactions at times it hurts. Then I get over it, I get brave and we go out again and then again someone says something and hurts.

But last night we went out and both Chase and I were so touched. There was a young teenage girl who was working as a cashier and she purposely went out of her way to tell us “What a handsome baby you have!” We said “Thank you!” I looked at her name tag because I wanted to put her in my memory bank when the stares are unavoidable or hurt so that I can recall this sweet moment. Chase and I both walked out and Chase said “Wow, that was so nice!” “I know.” I said, as it has been a long time, well, four weeks to be exact since someone has said that. Now I do need to take that back because there have been others who have stated what cute boys we have, but nothing so purposeful or powerful and just what I needed to hear in that moment. I wanted to share some reactions with you and although they may amaze you they are all real.

When we were up at Kaleidoscope with Chandler the way the line weaves and twists and turns everyone basically can see everyone while in line. I had Cannon out of the stroller and was feeding him and literally I think all eyes were on Cannon. Chase initially was trying to stare right back at the people who were all out staring but as we would notice one, twenty more would be gaping at our little bundle. Then there were the whispers and although I easily ignored the stares and whispers that I could so evidently hear it was so silly to me. Really? In this day and age where there are so many situations that people go through and endure, this is so hard for people to get their minds around. I understand children. They are curious and they are so open but adults sometimes surprise me. So as we entered Kaleidoscope and were having a fun time a little girl asked her mommy why my baby had a helmet. Just as I was about to answer for her mommy she said “Because his mommy is scared that he might fall out of the stroller so she makes him wear a helmet.” WHAT? I looked at the mom thinking she must be saying that to make it easy to understand but the mom quickly grabbed her little girl made not so nice eye contact with me and rushed away. I would have loved to track her down but not my battle, let her think that…I guess?

Then we were at Target and a little girl saw the handle of Cannon’s car seat from inside the cart and started saying “Baby, baby, baby.” Her grandmother agreed with her, and asked if she wanted to see the baby. My heart sank, as most people don’t look into the cart so most cannot even see our Cannon to react. But of course the little girl did. I tried to prepare myself emotionally for what was to come but the grandmothers quick “Oh!?!” and immediate turn away made me sad. She could have said anything. But “Oh?” Then the little girl was so sweet to say “Hat, hat, hat.” And I waited for the grandmother’s reaction, but again I received utter avoidance as she tried to push the little girl forward and out of earshot.

Also, while at Target as I was pushing the stroller this time and a family with teenage girls were passing several of the family members let out an “OW!” as the teenage girl who was pushing their cart was so preoccupied in checking out Cannon that she literally ran over her sister, mother and father. As I turned back around, all eyes were then on us and she just grinned embarrassingly and tried to explain that she was looking at “That baby is wearing a helmet! HAHA!”. Okay?
The stories go on and on and really there is no way to explain reactions. But when a cashier utterly avoids eye contact because they are uncomfortable or another shouts “Oh my gosh! Your baby has a helmet! Why does he have a helmet?” I seriously wonder what has happened? Everyone deserves a smile and to be acknowledged. My baby is still beautiful. It actually breaks my heart that people cannot see him past the adorably decorated helmet that he now wears. Do they wonder? Do they wonder what has happened in his life that he now wears a helmet? Do they think to ask me?

I stop noticing the stares and then we go out to dinner with a friend who I told about the stares. I had stopped noticing until after dinner and once out of the restaurant she reminds me that “Wow, people really do stare!” Oh, I didn’t think it was that bad. And then I pay attention the next time. And the next time there are points and whispers and “Did you see that baby?” But thanks to Amy, a cashier, to remind us that there are people who can see past his helmet and can see how “handsome” he really is. I was actually changing him the other day and Chase had music playing and a song came on. A song I used to sing to Chandler when he was a baby. I started singing it to Cannon with tears in my eyes because he is beautiful. He has endured so much and his helmet is just like a cast or a sling that someone wears for a broken bone and yet I do not see people reacting the way they do to the boy with a broken arm as they do my sweet Cannon. So for the song that was playing and brought tears to my eyes, my song to Cannon….

You are so beautiful
To me
You are so beautiful
To me
Can't you see

You're everything I hope for
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful to me
You are so beautiful to me!