Giving Up-Part 1

So for the twentieth time I have sat down to write this post and while it seems ever so difficult, I very seriously have wrote this post in my mind at least twenty times. Every time I think I have it worded just right, I scratch that idea and decide that it needs to be more positive, more uplifting, more focused on the good and not the stress that life has consumed me with. But then suddenly, after reading other blogs where life is wonderful and everything is beyond perfect and all things are good and sunshiny and nothing could ever possibly go wrong, or be difficult I realized that maybe in all reality, a dose of not everything is perfect is, okay? I know that this is a place for me to update and share and maybe even seek encouragement and my absence has not gone unnoticed, by me and by those who have taken the time to ask about everything and I have appreciated that more than one could ever know. I too many times have longed for a moment, a minute even maybe just a second to sit and post, but then life, again, throws us curve balls and I at times feel as though we are to just take the hit and hope that the damage is not enough to break us. So am I giving up? No, because as one of my favorite songs that I just so happened to hear three times on my most recent six hour road trip reminded me “I won’t give up on us, even when the skies get rough, I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up.” So I may not be giving up, but I may need some encouragement.

I am not one who gives up. EVER. I give everything my all until it absolutely burns me out or burns me. I truly try to give not just 100 percent of me to everything possible, but 110 percent, shoot, probably 150 percent. And yet today, yesterday in the days and last few weeks I have found myself on the go and not being able to shake the feeling that I am missing so much, causing an underlying wave of worry, stress and all around anxiety. I always try so very hard to see the positive and be positive and so without further ado…

Here is an update on Cannon’s appointment from three almost four weeks ago (please note that this visit was very positive and exciting)…
-Cannon’s head had grown in width, 4 millimeters in three weeks! Very exciting even though it is so very small!
-Cannon’s cranial index was at 81%. This percent is calculated from a variety of measurements. We started at 70% before surgery so we have had TREMENDOUS gains for only being post-op two months (three months this past weekend, can you believe it?)! The normal range is 86%-89%.
-Cannon does have more islands of bone growth!!! One of the islands has also dramatically continued to grow larger and is about the size of a dime!
-We were very hopeful that Cannon’s head would have expanded and grown so much that we would need a new helmet soon as this is a sign that we are on progress to be finished with helmet therapy one year post-op. However, Cannon’s head is not quite where they would like it to be width wise in the front (behind his forehead). So we were told that because of the lack of growth in this area and then also in width towards the back of his head we will probably not receive a new helmet for two months.

Fast forward couple of weeks ago…

During dinner I found myself just thinking about all that I needed to get done before collapsing into bed to only wake up and do it all over again the next day. Then, I suddenly realized that I had just completed an entire conversation with Chandler of which I was unaware of what had been said on either side. AH! This is a scary realization to make when it comes to a three-year old with a very active imagination, but fortunately it must have not been too dramatic or traumatic as we both made it to dinner without tears or a tantrum! Which as of late, has become hard to do. Chandler while becoming very independent has struggled to draw that line of knowing what he can and cannot do, yet wanting to do everything since he is a big boy. This includes picking up Cannon only to realize that he is too heavy and ever not so lightly dropping him back down. Or perhaps help him “sit” up while close to the edge of the bed to have Cannon fall! AH! WHAT? Awful, I know. Chandler also has learned that it is not okay to squish Cannon’s belly as Cannon does not appreciate this nor does Cannon's belly. Chandler also learned that it is NOT okay to put your thumb in Cannon’s eye, as Cannon, momma and daddy think that this is NOT okay! Chandler also had to learn that hitting is not a solution to problems. Although that took a bit to break the habit, I think we are back on track and understanding that being a big boy is hard work. Especially when you are three! Especially when you have a kindergarten teacher as a mommy! Being three comes with a big responsibilities like not hitting, trying your best, not using the awful words of “I CAN’T!”, being helpful even when one thinks that it impossible to do so (example: Me:“Chandler, please get momma that washcloth.” Chandler: “What washcloth momma?” Me:“The one by your foot.” Chandler: throws himself onto the floor sobbing “I can’t find it!!!!”), dressing oneself (again, impossible feat when asked to do so, but if Chandler wants to get dressed it seriously takes all of three seconds) and just overall being a kind, good, compassionate, respectful, responsible big boy AND brother. Please don’t mistake that I do have a very loving, sweet and precious little big boy who means to world to us, but being three has been a learning experience for all of us.

Another steep learning curve is realizing that perhaps my perfect expectations are not so perfect. I know that perfectionism is not a highly sought out quality or even one that perhaps many people would want to acknowledge that they possess, but I unfortunately struggle with perfectionism. It comes and goes in waves. When I feel stressed or anxious my perfectionism kicks into overdrive until it literally exhausts me. There are a multitude of examples but the one I struggle with immensely is…my house is a disaster and I cannot function when it is a disaster. I then hyper focus on picking things up only to turn around and realize that the floor, couch and living space that I just made beautiful is perhaps suppose to look like a traffic pile up full of cars, batman mobiles, trucks, zoo animals, Bumbo seats, baby toys, dog toys, unread parenting magazines, a pump, misplaced couch cushions and pillows, Chandler’s shirts that need to be hung up, Pizza Party faux food pieces all the while Chandler is mad because I am not eating his “meal” that he ever so graciously prepared and Cannon is crying because apparently I forgot that he was suppose to eat N.O.W. Suddenly, everything must halt so that I can take a minute to breathe and remember that no one else cares that my house looks like a possible internal toy/workspace tornado came through and unleashed its fury only to then have visitors think that we actually live like this? Yes, I know thank you, I actually feel so uncomfortable that you are here to see my house like this that I will think of probably a few excuses as to why things look like this and it won’t matter because you will still walk away and think that my house is a MESS! AH! And the stress returns.

My perfect expectations also spill over into my career and this is perhaps the most difficult. I will work myself into the ground trying and trying to ensure that every moment, lesson, center, decoration, discussion possible is perfect for my kiddos. And suddenly reality hits so hard because who is my career focused around, oh yes…kindergarteners. Now as hard as this may seem to some, I am exhausted, and bless their little hearts they have to be exhausted too. All of us have taken so much time to learn from one another this year, more so than in years past. I seriously at times wonder what I not only signed myself up for, but my family as well. I clock in and stay until the last minute possible so I can rush to pick up the boys to then come home do our nightly rushed routine to then put in at least two more hours of planning, searching for solutions, ideas, ideas, planning, creating, and it goes on. I then during the day set high expectations and it really took someone very dear to me, to remind me that perhaps my expectations were part of the problem. That hit hard. That was a “below the belt” hit. I was speechless and still struggle with maybe, maybe it was/is me. Maybe it is me striving for perfection that makes everything so very hard. Or maybe it is the thought that others should be perfect and do their jobs perfectly so that I can then be at ease. I then realized that it is okay to set high expectations for myself, for others, for my little darlings, but I have to remember to ensure that my expectations are realistic and that just because expectations can be set high the achievability (I know...not a real word..but it works) does take time and time and perhaps more time. So maybe my house is not as clean as I would like it to be and it may not be tomorrow or the next day but with time it can be back to that prior to school starting beauty. Maybe I am not a perfect mother even though I strive to be, but yet maybe it takes those special moments when I can just focus on my babes as they are only so little once. Maybe I am not a perfect teacher (just typing that is hard to do) but I can hope that the best that I can give is good enough, great enough to challenge my kiddos to reach their highest. Maybe my kindergarten darlings aren’t perfect but if they are working hard and trying their best that is OKAY!

More to come...I promise.