The longest day of my life...Post-Op-Part 2

4:30pm~After lots of love and kisses poured onto Cannon, Chase, Chandler and two of the three sets of our parents returned to our place to rest.  I too was ready for the quiet to just be with Cannon.  He had finished five ounces earlier and although it took him over an hour we decided to offer him another bottle to see if he would eat.  He didn’t hesitate.  Actually, the entire time in PICU he was in the constant motion of suckling.  We tried to keep a paci available but at times he just needed that constant motion if it was a comforting, nurturing way for him to cope.  While he was eating, I was talking to him and reassuring him that I was here for him, and it was then for first time since being in the PICU Cannon opened his eyes and my heart soared.  I was there when he opened his eyes and although it was for just an instant I was there! We shared that moment and I was so renewed in my feeling that we had made the right choice for Cannon.  Also, during this moment I realized that I wanted pictures.  I wanted pictures for Cannon in years to come of what he endured.  My mother-in-law got some of his first pictures post-op and although they are hard to look at they hold such memorable moments of all that Cannon had endured.

5:00pm~The results of the CT were back!  Cannon’s CT looked great, according the PICU doctor!  There was a small pocket of air trapped inside the untouched part of his skull, but that was very normal and it would be reabsorbed into his body through his healing process. Cannon again took five ounces from his bottle and although it took him over an hour it was okay because I had all the time in the world.  While being in the hospital, time had become a foreign concept.  I could look at the clock, process what time it was, but then I would have to ask what time Cannon’s last feed was or when he had last received pain meds because it was one more thing that my mind could not handle to hold onto because of all of the information overload

5:30pm~Cannon’s surgeon came to visit and emphasized how he was glad that I was comforting Cannon and holding him.  He was impressed at his eating and told me he would be back tomorrow to check on his progress.  It was during his visit that I realized no matter what our other experiences were with nurses or staff we had one of the best, most kind and compassionate neurosurgeons on our side.  . 

7:00pm~At this point, I had yet to rest.  I could not.  My emotions had ranged so drastically and I had been on such an emotional rollercoaster that even though things were calm, I did not want to miss anything.  It was time for shift changes and with new introductions I knew that finally I had an advocate on my side.  The nurse taking over for Cannon was like a breath of air in this awful situation.  I knew immediately that she wanted the same for Cannon that I wanted.  The doctors had also come by to do rounds and shared that they might possibly release us tomorrow morning if our surgeon approved. WHAT?  I could not even fathom that being the case.  But then, at the same time Cannon was doing tolerating his pain meds, even though he was still on very high strength of pain meds, he was eating like a champ and he was occasionally waking to open his eyes briefly. The nurse and I immediately started sharing story after story like long lost friends, I instantly felt as though I could breathe.  I felt as though finally this was the place that I could trust to care for my baby and that they had his very best at the forefront.  Cannon was his nurse’s only patient for the evening and although that meant she was in our small room the entire time, I was grateful.  I was excited to share prior to surgery pictures of Cannon with her and we talked and shared stories about everything!!!  I really feel as though God knew exactly what I needed and he provided her to be there on that day at that time so that I could feel His calming presence.

9:00pm~Visiting hours were now over, or at least that is what the announcement stated, but suddenly I heard that loud flopping of precious flip flops.  My Chandler!  Chase and he had rushed in to share hugs and loves and to wish Cannon and I a goodnight.  Although Chase and I both had tears in our eyes we knew that it was best that I stay with Cannon and he with Chandler.  They planned return to the normalcy of where we were staying.  Chandler gave me a hug renewing my strength.  We stood as a family unit knowing that we would be together so soon again.  I shared our nightly routine with Chandler of prayers and kisses.  As Chase and I hugged goodnight I leaned into his strength needing to hear those oh so familiar words “It will be okay.”  As the boys left I felt a tug in my heart.  How I so wished that Cannon and I could go with them but I knew that it would all be over soon and we would be together as though not even missing a beat.

10:30pm~I checked out of the PICU to eat.  I tried to eat as fast as possible.  The quiet of the break room was unnerving.  I turned on the TV but none of what was being said was processed.  After twenty minutes, I returned to my little boy’s bedside post.  Cannon’s nurse and I picked up where we had last left off of sharing stories and I appreciated the escape. 

11:40pm~All was quiet and it suddenly hit me.  I was tired.  I was so tired I really did not even want to move.  I got up to at least brush my teeth and take out my contacts when looking around the room of all the things I did have, I did not have was my cosmetic bag.  Full of my face wash, toothbrush, contact cleaner and case, I had none of it.  I was given a lovely(haha) toothbrush or maybe I should call it bristle to brush my teeth with from the PICU, but it worked for the time being. 

12:00am~I positioned the sleeper chair as close to Cannon’s bed as possible.  I knew that all too soon I would be up to have Cannon take his meds and to feed him, but for now I was not even fazed by the uncomfortable chair.  I finally felt calm.  I finally felt peace.  I knew that Cannon was not exactly out of the clear, but in my heart of hearts I knew that Chase’s all so familiar words were true “It will be okay.”  As I closed my eyes, I thanked God for all that He had done this day.  He had answered my prayers.  He had been there through it all. Yet even in my madness, even in my sorrow, worry and doubt He already knew what this day would entail, He already knew the outcome, He already knew that my baby would be okay.   

           

***Note Surgery Date: June 22, 2012

***Cannon's Age at Surgery: 4 months 6 days