The longest day of my life...Post-Op-Part 1

11:48am~Cannon was moved from the operating room to the recovery room.  We were notified from the waiting room receptionist once she received notification from the anesthesiologist.  At this point, all of the other families that we had started with in the waiting room had all been moved to recovery.  As I would see others leave to go celebrate with their loved ones I held very tightly to the fact that my Cannon was okay.  He had come through, and we were on the other side.  Now all I had to do was just wait to see my precious baby and hold him tight.  The surgeon recommend that immediately in the PICU we hold and comfort Cannon as it would be crucial to his recovery.  I could not wait.  The minutes seemed to tick slower than before.  More families had come to the waiting room and my heart lurched at their tears and despair.  I saw in the other mom’s eyes that too familiar feeling.  I so desperately tried to think of comforting words but there were none.  The most I could do was just smile and have our hearts touch for a split second acknowledging the hurt.  Knowing that our hearts were breaking at the fact that in order for our babies to be made right they had to endure so much, too much. 

12:20pm~At this point, I could not stand the wait.  I wanted to be with my baby.  Chase went to ask how much longer.  The receptionist called.  They were moving him into the PICU as we were standing there.  If we hurried we might be able to meet him on Reunion Avenue being wheeled into the PICU but they would not stop.  We would then have to wait in the PICU waiting room before we were allowed to be with him.  We gathered everything as quick as possible.  We could not get there fast enough.  We rushed onto the elevator.  I pushed my way to the front.  There was no way I would miss this.  I wanted to run.  But I knew that I could not leave everyone behind.  We rushed down what seemed like a forever long hallway.  Was that him?  Was that his bed?  No.  We turned the corner and there in front of us was a crib being pushed at a fast pace.  That was him!  That was my Cannon.  We intercepted the nurses and Cannon.  They kept walking but slowed when we approached.  They had a blanket over his eyes, a paci in his mouth and blankets wrapped over his body.  They uncovered his face long enough for us to see him.  I stopped, time seemed to stand still.  My little love was white as a sheet, his eyes were swollen, his mouth needed wiped, he was moaning, yet he was my Cannon.  I wanted them to stop so I could hold him so close and promise him it would be okay.  I wanted to kiss away the hurt.  I wanted to be strong enough to take the pain and make it my own.  I wanted Cannon to know I was here.  I leaned down and told him that I was here and I would be with him so soon.  I told him I was so proud of him.  I told him I loved him and I wouldn’t leave his side.  Chase too was talking to him.  Telling him it was okay.  Then I heard it.  Chandler wanted to see his Cangen.  “I want to see him momma.”  Our parents pushed Chandler towards us so he could be close, someone lifted him up.  I could not peel my eyes off of my baby but in that instant my heart soared as Chandler reached out towards Cannon and he too felt the urge to make it better.  “Hi, Cangen!”  Chandler was so unfazed by it all.  He didn’t see the IVs and tubes.  He didn’t see the lack of color.  He didn’t see the monitors and swollen body.  He saw his brother and he wanted him well.  Chandler told everyone “That was Cangen.”  And then as quick as they had wheeled him down the hallway they were gone.  Doors again separated us.  We stopped to check in at the PICU desk.  The receptionist went through all of the procedures, protocols and guidelines of the PICU.  She quickly went through the check in and out policies and then we were told we needed to wait in the PICU waiting area.  MORE WAITING!

12:50pm~Just when I thought I could not take one more minute of being away from Cannon they called Cannon’s name!  Everyone, Chase included, but one set of our parents had gone to lunch. I had not been able to leave.  I rushed to the front.  Wrote my name on the check in sheet and requested my badge.  The receptionists had changed during our wait.  The new young lady informed me that there were already two people back there.  WHAT?!?!?  I then stated that was impossible.  She looked again at the sheet and pointed to the two visitors, yet I did not recognize either name.  I stated that I was here for Cannon.  She then slammed the book shut and informed me that I had signed in on the wrong page.  How dare I sign in on someone else’s check in sheet!  How was I to know?  Didn’t she see?  I just needed to see my baby.  She then opened the book to our check in sheet and waited.  As fast as I could I signed in and then asked for a badge.  She looked at me and then informed me that it was evident I had not done this before.  What?  You’re right!  I had not done this before, thankfully.  I had never wanted to be here.  I did not have time to deal with this, my baby needed me!  Finally, she handed me a badge.  I looked at her with hurt in my heart hating to ask, but where was he, my Cannon?  She told me ever not so kindly and then buzzed me into the doors.  I again wanted to sprint to where he was but I was new to this.  I passed by so many rooms.  All full of children, babies and little ones with stories, hurts and tears.  I could barely take another step and there it was, Cannon’s Room!  I stepped in and he was crying.  The nurse tried to explain that he was caught up on his pain meds and that they were trying to soothe him as much as possible.  I asked if I could hold him.  I needed to wait I was told.  A CT had been ordered and she wanted to see when Cannon could go before she let me hold him.  He was writhing as if in torture.  He was so upset and I was trying.  I asked if I could at least feed him and she again wanted to wait because sometimes according to her they would prefer him not to eat prior to his CT.  Cannon was inconsolable.  I needed her to find out now if he could eat, I needed to hold him, I needed to comfort him, I needed him to be okay.  In that moment I thought I might not be okay.  I turned away so I could gather my strength.  I held his paci and talked right into his ear.  His eyes never opened.  The whole time in his pain his eyes stayed shut.  The nurse came back in.  She had no information.  I was not okay with that answer.  I needed her to find an answer and I needed her to find it out now!  She told me she would try someone else.  In the meantime, Cannon was still screaming out and writhing with all the monitors beeping loudly as if sounding an alarm and the cords getting tangled.  With each passing tear I knew that I needed to be strong for him but my heart was breaking into pieces as I felt as though I had done this to him, and there was nothing now I could do to comfort him.  Finally, the nurse came back in and said that we could go ahead and feed him if he wanted.  REALLY!?!?!  I was ready.  I was ready to hold my baby and kiss away his hurts.

1:30pm~In talking to so many moms who had gone through this before all talked about the importance of holding their precious babes as soon as possible post surgery.  Finally, the nurse was trying to figure out the best way possible to hand Cannon to me and I didn’t understand what they hold up was until I realized that I was not actually going to get to just hold my Cannon.  They had him on a type of mattress, Z-mat, that was designed to help relieve pressure but it weighed so much and did not allow me to get close.  She placed the mat and Cannon in my arms and immediately Cannon’s wracking sobs calmed and I was able to kiss him, rock him and feed him.  All in his little world seemed right again.  But I was still struggling.  How was he to feel my comfort when I could not even get close enough to touch his skin.  Cannon ate slow, savoring each suck using it as comfort and relief from the pain.  After many gasps and hiccups of cries he finally calmed and quietly continued to eat. 

2:15pm~In the meantime, Chase had come back.  He could see my hurt.  I needed an escape for just a minute so I could gather myself. Chase and I switched off.  He sat with the mat and Cannon and I left. Upon checking out, I was unsure what to do with my badge so I asked the previously mentioned receptionist and stated that I was unsure where to place it and with a roll of her eyes she took it and threw it into a drawer.  Couldn’t she see?  I had just been through trauma.  My world had been turned upside down and I was now trying to make it right.  I ignored the situation, Chase had brought back something for me to eat so as quick as I could, I ate and talked to my mom about the heartache that I was now experiencing.  I had thought it would be different but I promised to Cannon that I would be there.  As soon as I finished, I walked with my head held high ready to fight for my baby back into the PICU. 

2:30pm~Upon returning from my moment of desperation Cannon was still calm and still eating with daddy.  His eyes were unopened and his groans were quiet.  They were ready to take him to the CT scan and only one of us needed to be present.  Chase opted to go.  I had to wait back in the waiting room but Chase was to let me know as soon as they returned so that I could hold true to my promise of never leaving Cannon’s side.

2:50pm~Cannon and Chase were back from the CT.  I wanted Chandler to be the first to see Cannon of all the visitors.  Chandler was so excited.  He skipped back towards the room.  Unfazed by the environment we were in was uplifting; oh, to be childlike again…with no worries.  Just excited.  Excited to see his Cangen.  Excited to get back to making Cangen smile again.  Excited to be a big brother.  We entered the room, Cannon was back in his crib and Chase was finishing the bottle with him there.  Immediately, Chandler went to the side of the crib.  Needing to be lifted so he could get a better look I lifted him up.  Savoring this moment I will always remember the conversation. “Hi Cangen, its me!  Momma, I just love Cangen’s special feet.  Can I kiss them momma?  That will make him better.”  So he did ever so gently.  He kissed his feet and then just looked at him.  “Where are his owies?  Did they fix his head? Did he have surgery? I just love his special feet!”  With another kiss of his feet and quiet looks at his Cangen, Chandler then noticed all the monitors and things in the room.  After asking all that he could about it all, I took Chandler back to the waiting area.  Then the grandma’s all one-by-one came back to see their sweet Cannon.  I again, was hurt as with every ask that I made to hold him as there was always some excuse.  Finally, when my mom came back the strength to be my Cannon’s advocate filled my every being.  I needed to hold my baby. Upon my insistence, I again was handed Cannon’s mat and Cannon and although I could not feel his body, I could be close.  Close enough to have him know that I was here, here for him, here forever.  It was almost like holding your baby for the first time.  I couldn’t get enough of him.  I have never really known what it is like to hold your newborn for the first time and not let go as both of my babies were held for just a second before being rushed off to the NICU.  But I could do this.  I could hold him now forever.  This was our Cannon.  It was then as I was staring at him peacefully resting in my arms that I noticed it.  His look was so different.  His head had no crevices, no ridges, no deformities. I could now see his when his heart would beat in his overly large “soft spot” but I finally felt like maybe this what my Cannon was suppose to look like.  He was proportional.  He was perfect!

***Note Surgery Date: June 22, 2012

***Cannon's Age at Surgery: 4 months 6 days