Where to begin? Part 1

Cannon's Story...

When we found out we were expecting we were excited! 

I was scared. 

Our first little guy was born early and I had been told that due to the high risk of preterm labor I would need to take a weekly shot of progesterone upon reaching week 16 of gestation.  I felt so extremely stressed due to the fact that the first time I did not recognize that I was in labor until I was at the ob's and was informed that I needed to go to the hospital immediately.  We were hopeful for a full term healthy baby.  At week 32, I was put on bed rest in the hopes of getting to at least week 36.  We made it to week 36 and we celebrated!  Then on day 4 of week 36 my water broke at 8:00pm we arrived at the hospital at 9:30 planning a night full of labor but with barely two pushes and no epidural our little boy was born at 11:56!  We were ecstatic! We were hopeful to not need a NICU stay as we had with our first son; after all, our new little one was born almost "full term".

Our baby boy was very blue/purple upon delivery.  Everyone was very quiet, too quiet. They were rushing around and everyone just kept saying he was struggling to get his O2 up.  We weren't sure on his name but I knew in my heart my little guy was going to be perfect!  After too many minutes of needing oxygen support the determination was made to take our baby to the NICU.  After two agonizing hours of waiting we finally arrived in NICU where our little angel was covered in cords, IVs, monitors, wires and oxygen support through a cannula. We received hurried hushed explanations, chest X-Ray results, swabs for MSRA test and observations made by nurses.  However, once there was a quiet calm the heartache subsided and my heart was overwhelmed.  He was ours, he was perfect, he was created by God, he was our “Cannon”.  We were hopeful that the night would be quiet and soon we would get to be together in a regular room.

That night though Cannon's O2 levels bottomed out and his heart rate dropped too low for too long.  Immediately an EKG was ordered, his oxygen was turned up and suddenly our time line of needing NICU assistance was extended. 

We were told the next day that Cannon's head size was large and high on the percentile chart for newborns.  A genetic counselor wanted to visit with us about this and a head ultrasound was ordered.  We were unphased by this situation because our first child had also had a "large", high on the percentile sized head as well but there was no concerns, as his head still continues to be on the high end of the percentiles and after all this was just what we were used to.  No worries.  Right?  Results indicated that the brain was fine, the genetic counselor measured our heads and said we all have large heads!  We laughed and joked about it saying it must mean our brains were extra large and extra smart.

I worried.

Finally, we were released to special care after just two nights in NICU! We were hopeful for a transfer to a private room, but we knew lots needed to occur.  Cannon had to hold his temperature, eat well, gain weight and his billirubin levels had to maintain or drop.  So much for a little one!!!  We rejoiced when we moved to a private room where we would FINALLY get to stay and care independently for Cannon.  However, Cannon was not eating well, he had lost weight and his billirubin went up.  At each vital check, every three hours, I noticed the nurses rubbing the top of Cannon's head but just thought it must be a normal part of a vital check.  At each daily doctor round check she too, would rub the top of Cannon's head, but again I thought it was a normal check.  That was until I noticed a ridge that was at the top of his head. No one mentioned anything abnormal so I thought to myself it was just the bones overlapping from going through labor.  After a VERY long week stay in the special care private room we were released!!!  We knew the journey would be an uphill push to continue meeting all of our goals, but we were ready to give it our all.  Daily weight checks were scheduled through our doctor's office due to the fact Cannon was not gaining weight and billirubin checks would also be performed to ensure that his levels would level off or drop.

I stressed.

We were hopeful though that once we were home things would get better.  We knew at home I could devote time to nursing and we would be in a relaxed environment not having to record each time Cannon had a wet diaper, dirty diaper, estimate how dirty it was, what color it was, how long he nursed, monitor to the mL how much he was intaking through supplemental bottles, how long it was taking to eat that many mL, his temperature and general demeanor.  We knew we could relax in not needing to call a nurse every time he needed to eat.  We could finally be our "picture" perfect family of four.  We could enjoy our time of maternity and paternity time that was left.  We could look at our baby and dream of his future. 

I hoped.

Cannon's two week appointment came and with flying colors he had gained weight his billirubin had leveled out. We had some concerns with his length of time nursing and as a mom I worried about producing enough to satisfy him but with doctor's advice in tow we were ready to take on the world! 

I rejoiced.

We did have to have another weight check three days later, and this time Cannon had lost more weight.  At this point more advice given, but it was unrealistic and insurvivable.  Feed every two hours around the clock, nurse first, supplement with breast milk after nursing and hope for the best.  Well, because of the original advice given to solely breast feed but just for thirty minutes total and on demand my supply had diminished.  So it took three days of around the clock feeding, pumping, feeding, pumping, feeding, pumping, etc, to build back my supply.  However, Cannon would normally nurse for 20-30 minutes then we would supplement with breast milk which he normally took an hour to complete to which I then would need to pump for 20 minutes to maintain my supply and so I could have enough for the next supplemental bottle. 

I knew I could not continue on like this.  I wanted to enjoy being a mommy and only having 30 minutes if that in between feeds and pumping was not working.  Cannon could not, would not nurse without a shield anyway and try as I may he did not like nursing.  I told my mom at one point I felt so defeated because I felt as though if I wanted it bad enough it would work.  But I did want Cannon to nurse so badly.  I loved being able to nurse Chandler, although Chandler too was a VERY slow eater I was just so hopeful that Cannon would catch on.  Yet, I came to realization all at once in the shower (the best place to think) that maybe just because I wanted nursing to work it was not what was best for my baby.  Why should eating be such a chore for us both when the solution was evident?  So, I decided that I would just pump and bottle feed, at least until we could finally be cleared to not go for daily weight checks because with a newborn, working around a demanding feeding schedule, stressing about weight, stressing about possible sickness at the doctor’s office, stressing about running a household and making sure both kiddos were happy was a lot.  All I wanted to do was focus on Cannon not on the scale and letting my life revolve around a scale was exhausting. 

I cried.